


There's Weakness In Me

by OwenToDawn



Series: Hold My Body, Hold My Breath [5]
Category: AOMG, Jay Park (Musician), korean hip hop
Genre: Bathing/Washing, Discussions of sex, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, M/M, Making Out, Platonic Cuddling, Relationship Negotiation, Touch-Starved
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-15
Updated: 2021-01-15
Packaged: 2021-03-13 02:36:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28770957
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OwenToDawn/pseuds/OwenToDawn
Summary: Jaebeom and Wonjae take a break from the rest of the world and learn some things about their relationship
Relationships: Park Jaebeom | Jay Park/Woo Wonjae
Series: Hold My Body, Hold My Breath [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2035810
Comments: 6
Kudos: 25





	There's Weakness In Me

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! Here's one of the shorter parts I mentioned where I had an idea but not enough for a fully fledged story like the main three parts. I have one other idea but I'm not sure how I'm going to write it so it'll probably be awhile before you see it come out. 
> 
> Title from Sleep Paralysis by Gabriel Bruce
> 
> You can find me on Tumblr under the same name. Comments and kudos are loved and appreciated

“Take me somewhere warm.”

Jaebeom looks over to where Wonjae is stretched out on his bed, Tabul chasing his fingers around as he moves them underneath the top sheet. “What?”

“I want you to take me somewhere warm.” Wonjae removes his hand from under the covers and then moves fast, tackling Tabul and sweeping her up into his arms and kissing her head rapid fast, over and over. It’s cute to watch – too cute. Sometimes he watches Wonjae do things like this that are so endearing he feels like his heart swelling five sizes. It makes him want to punch something. The thought reminds him of Hyunjung mocking him for being a stereotype.

He’s pretty sure he read something about how lots of people feel that way when things are too cute.

“Why do I have to take you?” Jaebeom asks as he climbs up onto the bed.

Wonjae passes Tabul over but he’s not able to keep a grip on her, laughing as she clambers over his shoulder and rockets out of the room. “Because I want someone to spoil me.”

Jaebeom stretches out next to Wonjae, groaning as some of his joints pop and Wonjae shifts so his knees are digging into Jaebeom’s side and ribs. He reaches out with a hand and rubs his hand across the middle of Jaebeom’s chest. Wonjae likes…to touch. That’s the thing that surprises Jaebeom the most about their relationship. Wonjae has always been rather cuddly with Sungwoo and even Sunghwa and Hyukwoo to some extent, but never Jaebeom. Not until they started dating a few months ago.

Now, any time they’re sharing space with just each other, he always finds Wonjae’s hands on him somewhere. A thigh, his shoulder, brushing across his neck or back or the inside of his arm. Jaebeom doesn’t mention it. He doesn’t push him either. He’s pretty sure if he did, Wonjae would withdraw again, embarrassed of how he wants the comfort of someone else touching him.

“So you want me to like, what, buy you a fancy hotel room at a resort or something? Buy you expensive food?” Jaebeom asks.

"Uh-huh,” Wonjae says.

“That’s…not like you,” Jaebeom says.

Wonjae has never really shied away from luxury, not since he’s gotten the money he has, but he’s more content than the rest of them when it comes to living simply and below his means. He spends his money with much greater care than the rest of them.

“I mean…I think I just like the idea of being worth that,” Wonjae says. “Not like in a self-esteem way, but like…I don’t know what I mean.”

His fingers trace aimless designs across Jaebeom’s chest. Jaebeom reaches up and snags his wrist, grabbing his hand and dragging it up towards his mouth before kissing his knuckles. When he looks up, there’s a flush spreading over Wonjae’s cheeks.

“I can do that,” Jaebeom says. “You don’t do much indulgence, so you want someone to treat you. It’s easier to accept it if it’s a gift, right?”

Wonjae nods. “Yeah….”

Jaebeom kisses his hand again and then lets it rest back on his chest. “Okay. Let’s clear our schedules for a week and I’ll take you somewhere nice.”

Wonjae seems to hesitate a moment before he leans down and presses his lips to Jaebeom’s in a soft kiss. “Thank you.”

"Of course.”

-.-

Jaebeom rents them a house on the coast of California, something right on the beach with the nearest next place being over a ridge. They stop for groceries on their way from the airport. They stock up on all sorts of stuff, probably more than they need, and while he’s at it, Jaebeom swings by a dispensary to pick up some weed to because if they’re in California, they might as well enjoy California. The whole thing feels exceedingly domestic as they unpack their groceries together. They don’t live together back home, but they move around each other like they’re used to sharing space, and something about that makes him feel funny.

It makes him think of the track Sunghwa released with Dongwook and Mintaek two months ago, puzzling over what love feels like. It’s only been a few months since he and Wonjae started dating. He’s not about to start throwing around words like love, or rather, the romantic kind of love. Of course he loves everyone in his life that he considers family and friends. But…he does wonder if this feeling of contentment and familiarity and happiness is what romantic love is. He’s run from the feeling for so long, he’s long forgotten what it even feels like.

“You’re gonna do all the cooking right?” Wonjae asks, pulling a bottle of carbonated juice from the pack they bought and hopping up on the kitchen counter as Jaebeom finishes gathering the plastic bags they’d carried the groceries in with.

“Well, yeah,” Jaebeom says. “You said you wanted to be spoiled.”

“I thought you were gonna like pay a chef or something,” Wonjae says, a teasing smile on his face.

Jaebeom likes that they’re comfortable with each other enough to do that, but he still can’t help but feel worried. Maybe that’s what Wonjae wanted and he-

“This means more though,” Wonjae says, setting the juice aside on the counter next to where he sits. “Just make sure you cook shirtless so I can enjoy the view.”

Jaebeom rolls his eyes, shoulders relaxing. He’s relieved that they’re on the same page at least, that Wonjae understands the gesture he’s trying to make. Yeah, he’s spending money but he wants to spoil him like this too. He likes caring for people, and sure on some level it’s selfish because it makes him feel good to know he’s providing, but that’s fine.

He finishes stowing the bags away and then they grab their suitcases and navigate their way towards the back of the house where the master suite is. It matches the pictures he saw online – walls made of cabin style wood but painted white with showy beams painted a deep gray that go across the arched ceiling. The bed is king sized, crisp white sheets with a dark blue comforter folded at the foot of the bed and too many pillows to bother with. Wonjae piles them all up on the chair that sits near the balcony doors. The balcony itself is pretty small, just enough room for a small wicker loveseat with gray cushions and one matching end table on the left. The view of the sloping sands leading down to the beach and the ocean more than makes up for the small size.

“Please tell me this place has a dope bathroom,” Wonjae says, moving towards the door that leads to the very bathroom.

Jaebeom grins when he steps inside and a moment later swears. “You’re welcome.”

“I was gonna nap but now I’m gonna take a bath,” Wonjae says, voice echoing from the marble flooring and walls. “Holy fuck.”

Jaebeom sets his suitcase up on the dresser and then follows Wonjae into the bathroom. It’s one of those types where the gray and black and white washed marble is laid across the floor and bleeds naturally into the walls of the large shower with a long bench capable of holding at least three people. It has two shower heads from above, waterfall style. Towards the back is the actual perk of the bathroom – a step down tub that could easily sit two people, three if they got cozy. Wonjae stretches out in it, socked feet propping up on the edge of it as he tucks his hands behind his head and smiles.

“You know, it’s better if you put water in it first,” Jaebeom says.

“But we didn’t buy any bath bombs,” Wonjae says as he pulls himself out of the tub.

“Bath bombs?” Jaebeom asks. “You didn’t seem like the type.”

“Everyone likes pretty water that smells nice,” Wonjae says, then tugs off his t-shirt and starts wiggling out of his jeans. “Whatever though, water and soap is fine.”

Jaebeom hates how flushed his face is just from Wonjae showing some skin. It’s not like he’s a fucking prude – he takes his own clothes off on stage way too often for that shit, but it’s different with Wonjae. Everything is. It’s a good feeling though. He helps Wonjae locate the washcloths and bar soap before leaving him to his own devices and returning to the bedroom. He unpacks his own clothes, only enough for the week-long stay. Still, unpacking helps it feel less like a trip. The whole point of this is to spoil Wonjae, but he thinks it’d be nice to indulge in the fantasy himself too, the fantasy that they could live like this for real.

The sound of running water stops, and a moment later, it’s replaced with the sound of Wonjae cleaning off instead. Jaebeom leaves the master suite and explores the rest of the house. There’s a back deck off the living room and kitchen with a grill that he’ll definitely be using at some point, with stairs that lead down to the sands. It’ll be nice to reach the beach so easily.

His phone chimes and he pulls it out from his pocket. It’s late enough in the evening that it’s not outside the realm of possibility that someone back in Korea is awake.

_Sunghwa: I didn’t realize you were serious about taking a trip (Sent 8:09 PM)_

_I woke up and realized Wonjae is actually gone (Sent 8:09 PM)_

_You both better bring my something nice (Sent 8:10 PM)_

_Jaebeom: of course, of course (Sent 8:10 PM)_

_We’ll be back by the end of the week (Sent 8:10 PM)_

_Sunghwa: make sure you both actually unwind (Sent 8:10 PM)_

_If you know what I mean (Sent 8:10 PM)_

Jaebeom rolls his eyes and locks his phone when Sunghwa follows it up with a winking emoji. It does make him start thinking though. If Wonjae were a woman…if he were a woman, he would’ve invited himself into that bath, he would’ve watched as she disrobed, would’ve teased and caressed her until it turned into something more. But he also can’t remember ever being in love with a woman, or wanting to have something serious with one. Sure he hadn’t really looked for it but…well.

He turns back towards the master suite and when he enters, he can hear the sound of water draining. He knocks on the half open bathroom door before peeking his head in, trying to at least look more casual than he feels. Wonjae looks up from where he’s sitting as the water drains.

“Oh, hey,” he says, gaze sleepy.

For a moment, Jaebeom almost makes some sort of excuse and leaves. But then, “Did you want me to join you?”

Wonjae’s eyes widen and he sits up. “I…mean, yeah, if you want to. I’m too tired for like sex or anything but I wouldn’t mind bathing with you. I’d…I think I’d like it a lot actually.”

That also seems new to Jaebeom. The idea of getting into a bath together, touching each other, and not having it go anywhere, is new to him but it takes some of the nerves out of him and he starts to undress as Wonjae begins to refill the tub. It takes a moment to convince himself to get in. Wonjae grabs his hip to help steady him as he steps down into the warm water even as it continues to fill. He settles into it, back against the sloping side opposite of Wonjae.

Their legs brush against each other. Wonjae shuts the water off once it’s almost at their shoulders and then grabs one of the extra washcloths he’d set at the edge, soaping it up before holding it out to Jaebeom.

“I can do it but it’s fine if you want to,” Wonjae says.

"You…want to?” Jaebeom asks, sitting up a little. One of his ankles knocks into one of Wonjae’s as Wonjae leans forward.

“I…yeah? If that’s fine,” Wonjae says.

Jaebeom nods, wondering what sort of expression his face is making as Wonjae pushes through the water on his knees, sliding between Jaebeom’s legs and then reaching out with one hand to grab at his shoulder. From there he starts to wash his torso and arms. He scrubs with the cloth, a little clumsy as he readjusts his weight to do so. Jaebeom watches his face as he does so and tries to ignore the warm feeling that fills up his chest as he feels Wonjae move the cloth over his skin.

It’s not like washing himself – then, why would it be? Every touch and motion takes him by surprise for fractions of a second, and it heightens the sensation even though it’s hardly a new one. Wonjae works across his chest and arms, then down over his stomach. He spares the more intimate parts, though Jaebeom has a feeling that’s more for his sake than Wonjae’s, and then shifts back to clean his legs next. He doesn’t seem to have any issue moving Jaebeom’s limbs this way and that so he can clean them.

The casual intimacy of his touch makes Jaebeom’s heart pound with a feeling he doesn’t know how to label. Part of it is apprehension, like he’s waiting for it to escalate. It never does though. Wonjae washes his feet and sets the cloth aside before grabbing another and turning the faucet on long enough to get it wet with clean water, soap it up, and hands it over.

“Figured you didn’t want me touching your junk right now,” he says.

“Uh, yeah, thanks,” Jaebeom says.

He takes the cloth from Wonjae and Wonjae reclines back at the other end of the tub away from him, settling into the tub wall and folding his arms across his chest as he closes his eyes. The privacy he grants without Jaebeom even asking means more than he knows how to say. It’s so odd, the way sexual intimacy is almost easier than something like this. Nudity with another person usually has a purpose. This…doesn’t.

He finishes cleaning himself up and sets the cloth on the others, leaning into Wonjae’s space as he does. Wonjae sighs and opens his eyes. He yawns a moment later and then sits up, a little too fast that Jaebeom flinches back on instinct before stopping and letting out a laugh that sounds nervous even to his own ears. Wonjae just smiles at him though, still sleepy. He presses his lips to Jaebeom’s for a brief kiss and then reaches back to hit the button that releases the plug at the bottom of the tub so the water will drain.

Wonjae gets out first, stepping out onto the dry mat and then helping Jaebeom up with a hand. They dry themselves off and it’s only then that Jaebeom realizes he hadn’t been smart enough to grab new clothes for either of them to wear, but Wonjae’s already tying a towel around his waist and heading for the bedroom.

“Shorts and a t-shirt fine?” he calls.

"Yeah,” Jaebeom says as he finishes drying off.

He changes into the black gym shorts and plain red t-shirt Wonjae tosses in to him and when he heads back out to the bathroom, Wonjae is still shirtless, bent over his suitcase on the bed digging through it for something. He’s wearing sweats that are just a little too short, coming to rest just above his ankles. Jaebeom finds his eyes tracking over all the tattoos he can across Wonjae’s front at this angle, drinking them in because he so rarely gets to see them. For all the casual nudity of the last twenty minutes, Wonjae rarely goes shirtless.

It hits him, then, that it must mean something for Wonjae to so willingly show him everything without a moment of hesitation. It’s not as though his torso is a secret or anything like that. Jaebeom knows his other friends have undoubtedly seen it. But the way he doesn’t hesitate…well, maybe he’s turning it into something it’s not. It means something to him though, even if he doesn’t have the courage to say it out loud.

“I’m gonna nap if that’s cool,” Wonjae says, finally pulling out a black tank top and tugging it on before flipping his suitcase shut.

“Yeah, sure,” Jaebeom says.

Wonjae sets his suitcase on the floor and then all but dives onto the bed, groaning as he rolls onto his back and stretches his arms above his head with another yawn. It looks comfier than Jaebeom wants to let on. When Wonjae looks up at him, he must see the indecision on his face because he pats the space on the mattress next to him.

"Nap with me,” he says. “It’s not like we’re going anywhere really. We don’t have to worry about like, getting on the right sleeping schedule or anything.”

Which…is definitely a good point.

"Alright, but if we miss dinner and end up eating snacks instead it’s your fault,” Jaebeom says even as he pulls himself up onto the mattress and knee walks himself closer to Wonjae.

They curl up together underneath the top sheet, rearranging the pillows so they’re in a sort of nest. Jaebeom doesn’t say it, but he feels nice like this, bundled into a space where they’re pressed together, wrapped in one another. He has a feeling Wonjae likes it like this as well. It never quite leaves his mind, the way Wonjae said he spends so much of his life asking for comfort. He wants to provide that to him, even if he’s uncomfortable about himself sometimes, and since they’ve started dating, he’s started to realize that in a lot of ways, he wants the same thing too. He wants…this. Touching. Intimacy. All of it, with and without sex.

He wants it to be weird because then he could have an excuse to pull away from it, but even with his own hang ups and awkward feelings, the allure and comfort that comes from merely having another person touch him and hold him is too much to ignore. It’s too much to push away. If he really thinks about it, it’s more his American upbringing then his living in Korea that’s made him so insecure about touching other people. Even Wonjae, the most withdrawn and hesitant to reach out, seems to have a relatively comfortable relationship when it comes to touching and leaning into his friends like Sungwoo and Hyukwoo. And yet, Jaebeom’s always held himself back.

Fear of rejection, that’s what Wonjae said made him hesitate with his friends in the past, but he didn’t anymore. Not with Jaebeom either. For Jaebeom though, he knew it was a fear of something more unrealistic. Wonjae had every reason in the world to fear rejection, but Jaebeom knows that cuddling another man, or his significant other, won’t suddenly make everyone stop taking him seriously. Different fears, one certainly less rational, and yet it made them both crave the same thing they hesitated to ask for. He likes though, that Wonjae feels like he can ask him.

He’s hoping eventually he’ll feel just as comfortable.

Fingers brush along his face and Jaebeom opens his eyes, eyebrows raising at Wonjae’s startled look as he draws his fingers away.

“Uh…” Wonjae drops his hand to the space between them. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to be creepy.”

“It’s fine,” Jaebeom says. “I just wasn’t expecting it…and I guess I don’t get why you’d wanna touch my face anyways, but like, it’s fine. I don’t mind.”

“I’m being weird,” Wonjae says, a frown marring his face and making his forehead wrinkle up.

“I mean, I guess, but if you wanna touch my face, then touch my face,” Jaebeom says.

Wonjae swallows and then lifts his hand up again, fingertips brushing along Jaebeom’s cheekbone. Jaebeom closes his eyes, partially so he doesn’t have to meet Wonjae’s intense gaze, and partially because it’s just a reflex having someone’s fingers so close. It’s relaxing, in a weird way. Wonjae’s fingers are more calloused than his, but they feel soft from how light his touch is, and it somehow makes him feel even sleepier to feel his fingers trace his jaw and then slide back up and across his brow bone. It’s soothing, and yet Jaebeom doesn’t even know what it is that’s within him that needs to be soothed in the first place.

He falls asleep with Wonjae’s fingers brushing across his lips.

-.-

When he wakes up, it’s properly dark outside. Wonjae is pressed close to him, his head resting against Jaebeom’s shoulder with his breath tickling the side of his neck. Going by the pattern of his breathing, he’s still asleep. Jaebeom shifts so he can wrap his arm up over Wonjae’s shoulders, resting his hand against the back of Wonjae’s neck and pushing his fingers into the hair along his neck line. It’s short enough that it’s already dry from their earlier bath.

With great care as to not wake Wonjae, Jaebeom reaches out to the night stand where he’d left his phone and taps the screen so he can check the time. Just before nine. It’s not too late, really, for a meal, but they probably shouldn’t have anything big. He shifts back onto his side, because if he’s honest, he doesn’t really feel like getting up to make much of anything. Instead, he opts to look at Wonjae.

It’s not like he can see him all that well in the darkness. That makes it less creepy, maybe. Wonjae doesn’t even seem to stir from Jaebeom’s movement and after a moment of hesitation, Jaebeom reaches out with his free hand and brushes his fingertips over Wonjae’s cheek. That doesn’t get him anything in response. He does it again, drifting his fingertips along his cheekbone and then up towards his temple and back down along his jaw.

He gets why Wonjae had done it now. There’s something weirdly intense about touching someone’s face like this. Touching just to touch. There’s no purpose, no intent, yet it’s shockingly vulnerable just the same. He’s never been good about thinking deeply on matters of touch and how he interacts with other people on a physical level like this, mostly because he always kept his distance. Even with his close friends, if they shared a couch, he’d rarely if ever lean into them. He kept his touches to claps on the shoulders or back, or if he was feeling particularly emotional, a neck squeeze.

Even if his hands touched someone, he kept his body further away. This…isn’t like that at all. He can feel Wonjae’s legs and hips and torso against his own, and he can feel the way the muscles around Wonjae’s eyes twitch as he begins to wake from Jaebeom’s touches. He probably should’ve let Wonjae sleep more. He’d let his own curiosity about Wonjae’s desire to touch his face earlier get the best of him, but even in the darkness he can tell Wonjae isn’t bothered by it when he opens his eyes. His lips just stretch into a tired smile.

“Enjoying yourself?” he asks, voice low and hoarse with sleep.

“Yeah,” Jaebeom says, too tired to even pretend he wasn’t. “I was trying to understand the appeal from your end.”

“And what do you think it is?” Wonjae asks.

“It’s just…being able to touch someone just…to touch them,” Jaebeom says. He can feel his face flushing with heat and he’s glad again for the darkness. It’s amazing to him the way Wonjae can turn him into a stuttering mess of a person, like a lovesick teenager.

“It makes me feel less alone,” Wonjae says.

And yeah…yeah that’s a good way of putting it. Jaebeom nods and then drops his hand to rest between them again. Wonjae’s eyes slide shut as he rolls more into Jaebeom’s weight, throwing an arm around his torso and tugging him close as he rests his lips against Jaebeom’s throat.

“I don’t wanna get up yet but I’m also hungry,” Wonjae says.

“Well, I’m supposed to be spoiling you right. Guess that means I have to get up,” Jaebeom says and starts to pull away only to laugh when Wonjae clings harder to him with a playful whining noise of his own.

"No, you have to stay here too,” Wonjae says.

Jaebeom pats the back of Wonjae’s head and then pulls himself away for real, sitting up and turning on the lamp on the night stand before getting out of bed. “I’ll be back in a bit. Any preference?”

“Something light,” Wonjae says as he rolls face down into one of the pillows.

Jaebeom heads out to the kitchen and assembles a hastily thrown together salad after he washes the veggies. The cuts aren’t precise and it looks like a mess if he’s honest, but it’s food and despite the sloppy presentation, Wonjae seems happy enough with it when he rejoins him in bed with two bowls full. There’s a TV mounted on the wall opposite of the bed and Wonjae’s flipping through the all extremely American channels.

"How’s your English?” Jaebeom asks as he hands Wonjae a bowl and leans back against the headboard.

“Eh, not great,” Wonjae says.

He gives up and tosses the remote away after turning the television off. With one hand, he begins to eat, and with the other he flips through the screens on his phone before settling on one of Sungwoo’s albums and tossing it towards the end of the bed as it starts to play. They eat, shoulder to shoulder. Their night routine feels much like when they first arrived a few hours ago. Casual. Familiar, even though there’s no reason it should feel that way. After they finish eating, Jaebeom takes their bowls to the kitchen to clean in the sink while Wonjae heads to brush his teeth in the bathroom.

When Jaebeom joins him in the bathroom to do the same, Wonjae’s already done, but instead of leaving, he just hops up on the counter as Jaebeom brushes his teeth and checks his phone. In a weird way, he’s reminded of a cat. Wonjae seems content just to share space, whether they’re talking or not. It’s different. New, really. He doesn’t often let silence sit between him and whoever his company is and yet with Wonjae, it feels natural just to be still together.

When they’re both done, they crawl back into bed, rearranging the pillows so they can sleep properly instead. For a moment, Jaebeom thinks that means they’ll be on opposite ends of the large bed, but as soon as he’s turned the lamp back off, Wonjae curls up into his side again, arm thrown around his waist. He wonders if he’ll ever get used to the casual affection. He wants to. He wants to be used to something that feels so nice, that makes him feel less alone. It’s going to make going home after this week more challenging than he thought it would be.

-.-

Jaebeom wakes up when it’s still dark out, with the sound of the ocean still easily heard through the closed windows. He untangles himself from Wonjae’s grasp, glancing back to make sure he hasn’t woken him, but Wonjae just wraps an arm around the pillow and goes still again so Jaebeom checks his phone next. It’s only five in the morning. He debates going out to the balcony, but he figures the door opening will be too much for Wonjae to sleep through. Instead, he pockets his phone and heads down the hall for the living room and the deck.

There’s patio furniture out there, so he grabs one of the blankets off the couch in the living room and heads outside to the couch there, burying himself under the blanket once he’s stretched out. He’s the kind of awake where he can tell he’s not going back to sleep. He could probably go doze for another few hours if he really wanted, but it’s not happening. In the end, he opts to hook up to the home wi-fi and scroll through his social media feeds, and then his work email, sorting things and replying to things that really do need his attention.

Unsurprisingly, his responses prompt a message from Sungwoo.

_Sungwoo: it’s too early there, go to bed (Sent 5:23 AM)_

_Jaebeom: Can’t. It’s fine. Wonjae’s still sleeping (Sent 5:23 AM)_

_Sungwoo: You know I can worry about you both at the same time (Sent 5:23 AM)_

_It’s called multi-tasking (Sent 5:23 AM)_

Jaebeom rolls his eyes even if Sungwoo can’t see it and flips back to his emails, responding to something from Soohyuk and then sending back a few comments on one of the first drafts of a song on the mixtape he and Myungjun were working on. He stares down at his phone for another moment, hesitating. After a deep breath, he flips back over to his messages and messages Myungjun.

_Jaebeom: can I ask a personal question? (Sent 5:35 AM)_

_Myungjun: fine (Sent 5:35 AM)_

It takes him too many tries to figure out how to phrase his question. He starts typing, stops, erases, starts again, ends up with a paragraph, deletes it all. He can see in his mind’s eye Myungjun glaring down at his phone wishing Jaebeom would hurry up and just message him because he’s busy. That helps him relax a bit. Myungjun has never been one to make him feel ashamed for his feelings. He only ever shames him for wasting his time by dancing around them, which honestly, is fair. Jaebeom thinks he’s become a little bit better of a person since he’s met everyone that’s involved in AOMG, because that’s half of the reason he was drawn to any of them in the first place.

_Jaebeom: With you and your wife, do you ever like, touch each other but not sexually? Like not to get each other in the mood or whatever, like just to touch each other? (Sent 5:52 AM)_

_Myungjun: Yes. All the time. She likes having her hair played with. I like it when she touches my arms. Should I ask why you’re asking (Sent 5:52 AM)_

_Jaebeom: Probably not I’m already trying not to throw my phone in the ocean from sheer embarrassment (Sent 5:52 AM)_

_Myungjun: You are only human (Sent 5:52 AM)_

Jaebeom has to set his phone down after that. So often lately, he feels as if his life is a series of obvious facts being stated to him in a way that finally click in a way that’s useful to his comprehension and conception to his sense of self. Even thinking such a convoluted thought makes him feel like he’s turned into every dumbass philosophical stoner he’s ever made fun of. It’s not that he asked Myungjun because he thinks he and Wonjae are gonna get married. He may be a romantic, but they’ve only been dating a few months.

It’s just…

He doesn’t know what dating looks like. He doesn’t know how two people interact with each other when dating and he’s in his thirties, because he’s a repressed piece of shit that can’t fathom a world where he casually touches anyone; shares intimacy with anyone. Well. Maybe that’s not completely accurate. He doesn’t think _that_ poorly of himself. But he feels like in the span of a few hours, he’s gone from being quite comfortable with how he’s lived his life to feeling…lonely.

When he looks back on it, the times he’s shied away from contact with others, from comfort, especially in his trainee days when it was even more important for him to put on a mask, are countless. It’s like…he has a new perspective, and it saddens him to realize all that he withheld himself from. It wasn’t like it was even denied. He pours over his memories and can really only find instances of where it was offered and he rejected it. He shrugs off hands and limits how long he’ll hug a person. Half the time, his physical interactions are more a matter of joke than a serious attempt to be close to someone else.

“Mmm, it’s fucking cold at night,” Wonjae says, voice slurring from the muzzy-ness of sleep as he steps out onto the deck.

He has one of Jaebeom’s hoodies on again, the hood pulled up and the strings drawn a little tight, and he looks so relaxed that Jaebeom can feel his own heart beat faster from the second-hand joy that gives him. That’s a revelation for another day though.

“You can get under the blanket if you want,” Jaebeom says.

Wonjae answers by doing just that, and Jaebeom ends up having to tug the coffee table closer to rest his leg on so Wonjae can rest comfortably between his legs with the blanket pulled up tight around Wonjae’s shoulders. He rests his head back against Jaebeom’s shoulder. For a moment, Jaebeom wonders if he should drag Wonjae back to bed instead, because it’d surely be comfortable. It’s nice though, hearing and seeing the ocean with the night sky. He rests his hands against Wonjae’s stomach, then after a moment of hesitation, slides them underneath the hoodie to rest against his skin.

“You better not try and tickle me,” Wonjae mumbles against his neck.

Jaebeom kisses the top of Wonjae’s head. “I won’t. I just…I like this. I like you.”

The words feel bigger than they are – it feels like he’s said something much more than he meant, but Wonjae just reaches down and squeezes his wrist.

“I like you too.”

They doze on and off together over the next hour or so until the sky starts to lighten from the rising run behind them. Only then does Jaebeom lift his arms from the warmth of the blanket to stretch them above his head, yawning as he does so. Wonjae grunts and turns onto his side, curling up as best he can. His knees knock into Jaebeom’s knee and leg. The cuteness of the situation hits him all at once and before he can stop himself he says,

“Can you keep doing this?”

“Keep doing what?” Wonjae asks, bumping his nose against Jaebeom’s neck.

“Keep. Touching me,” Jaebeom says. “Like this, I mean, like, uh…”

“I got it,” Wonjae says. “I want this too. I think that’s why I wanted you to take me someplace so bad.”

It helps to hear that even Wonjae of all people struggles to ask outright for what he wants. He tries not to mention it, because he knows Wonjae hates it, but sometimes it’s hard to remember that Wonjae is younger than him and is muddling through what it means to be in a relationship and seek comfort too. They’re both teaching each other. They’re both learning from each other. It’s not one sided.

“But also,” Wonjae says. “I kinda wanna make out.”

The request is so sudden that Jaebeom can’t help but laugh, which in turn makes Wonjae start giggling, the type of laugh he gets when he can’t help himself. Wonjae pushes himself up so he can face Jaebeom properly and when he pushes their lips together, their teeth clack because they’re both still smiling. It’s a tight fit as Wonjae straddles one of his legs, the blanket around his shoulders. It’s worth it though. Jaebeom kisses Wonjae until they’re both breathless and well on their way to getting hard, but even then, he doesn’t feel pressure to turn it into anything more than that.

In the end, Wonjae ends up abandoning him on the couch to go take care of himself. It’s nice, Jaebeom thinks, that Wonjae gets he’s not really in the mood to do it himself. He doesn’t make him feel guilty at all. He just heads back into the house with the obvious implication of his plans lying between them. Once he’s alone, Jaebeom reaches down and palms himself through his shorts. The arousal simmers lower in his gut, but it’s not urgent. He pulls his hand away and settles instead for doing one last check of his emails and then heading to the kitchen to make breakfast.

-.-

Once the sun rises and makes the air hot, they change into swim shorts, grab one of the beach umbrellas off the deck and some towels and head down to the beach. There’re some people in the distance, but most everything here is private access so no one wanders even within hearing distance which makes it easier to relax. They spend nearly an hour rough housing in the waves. It’s more of a work out than he expects. He keeps forgetting that Wonjae actually works out now and more than once he manages to get the slip on him and drag Jaebeom under water.

Jaebeom finds himself cataloguing even these touches. The feel of Wonjae’s hand slipping along a wrist or ankle in the water, the feel of him as he throws himself onto Jaebeom’s back and knocks him down, all of it brings him a strange sort of comfort. It’s not the same comfort of earlier. It’s not fingers tracing his lips and jaw, or the slow and methodical brush of a cloth over his body as he’s cleaned up, but it speaks of intimacy in a way, to be able to touch and be touched in such a playful way.

He taps out eventually though and sprawls out on his towel in the sun until he’s dry before retreating under the umbrella, head facing the sea. With contentment still bubbling in his chest, he watches Wonjae. For a little while, Wonjae floats on his back before opting to stand up in the water and move towards the shoreline. His tattoos look chaotic even from a distance, doodles and patterns slapped across the canvas of his chest and abdomen with little rhyme or reason, but with the word paradise across his abdomen clear.

He drifts in and out of sleep watching Wonjae pick his way along the shoreline, stopping to bend down and pick things up, tossing some back into the sea and holding others in his other hand. He doesn’t even realize he’s fallen asleep until he wakes up from the clatter of shells as they land on the towel next to him. Wonjae laughs when he jerks away and then sits down on the other towel.

“Enjoying your nap?” he asks.

“I didn’t even mean to,” Jaebeom says, rolling onto his back. “Successful shell hunting though?”

“Yeah,” Wonjae says. He shifts, wiggling his towel over so his head will rest near Jaebeom’s when he lays down. “It’s been a while since I’ve been to a beach, and I’ve never been to a California beach, so I wanted something to remember it by.”

Jaebeom watches as Wonjae reaches out with one hand, fingers dangling down before he reaches a little farther and runs his ocean wet fingers through Jaebeom’s hair. Jaebeom swallows, hard, and after a beat of tension, nudges his head up into Wonjae’s fingers and pushes a little closer. Wonjae’s lips quirk up in a whisper of a smile and he pushes his fingers into Jaebeom’s hair with a firmer touch. After a moment, Jaebeom lets his eyes slide shut. He focuses on the feeling of Wonjae’s fingers, the way it makes his skin break out in goosebumps and sends a shiver down his spine, pleasurable but not arousing.

He sees why Myungjun’s wife makes him pet her hair. It’s nice. Pleasant, and comforting, and distracting, a soothing sensation to lose himself in.

“I’ll do this whenever you want if you ask,” Wonjae says, voice low. “Touch you, I mean. I like doing it, and I like having it done to me too. Whenever you want, just tell me.”

Jaebeom realizes then that perhaps he’s been a bit selfish, desperate for Wonjae’s touch and companionship and not offering it in return at all. “You can ask me too.”

“Okay. It’s a deal.”

He falls back into a daze with his own fingers tracing the inside of Wonjae’s elbow.

-.-

“Mmm, smells good…”

Jaebeom nearly drops the tongs he’s using to flip the streaks as Wonjae slides his arms around his waist and rests his chin on Jaebeom’s shoulder. “Jesus, dude.”

“Sorry.” Wonjae doesn’t sound the least bit sincere in his apology. “I finished getting the rest of the food around and got lonely.”

“Lonely?” Jaebeom elbows his abdomen and then slips the tongs over the grill handle so he can turn around in Wonjae’s grip. He’s wearing another hoodie, still one of Jaebeom’s. He’s not sure he’s ever gonna get sick of seeing Wonjae wiggle his way into Jaebeom’s jackets and hoodies. “What are you gonna do when we’re back home and can’t be glued to each other’s sides?”

“Hmmm, I’ll message you every few minutes,” Wonjae says, laughing when Jaebeom rolls his eyes. “I know, I’m kidding. But hey, let me indulge my desire to cling to you for the next week.”

“You’ll just miss it more when we can’t do it,” Jaebeom says.

He means it partly as a joke. Wonjae lets him go and he turns back around to check the meat with the thermometer.

“Yeah, I know,” Wonjae says. His voice sounds hushed. “But I’m trying this new thing where I don’t let the fear of losing something stop me from enjoying it while I have it.”

It hurts to hear and Jaebeom finds himself yet again reminded that Wonjae is fumbling through this relationship the same way he is. Really, neither of them know what they’re doing. The whole point is trying to figure it out together, but that’s hard in its own way too. Relying on anyone is hard, but especially for the two of them, where they’ve both learned for different reasons that it’s safer to rely only on themselves.

“That’s a good point,” Jaebeom says, moving the steaks onto a plate to rest and switching the grill off so it can cool.

He turns back to face Wonjae. After a moment of convincing himself it’s okay, he leans forward to press their lips together. One of Wonjae’s hands comes up to hold his hip, the other reaching further to twist in the fabric of his tank top and pull him a little closer. The kiss is chaste for only a moment. Their lips slip together, wet. Wonjae’s tongue slips into his mouth and Jaebeom finds his hands grabbing at Wonjae’s sides as he sucks at it. He likes it, the deep and wet kisses, the ones that feel a little bit filthy.

That’s something he doesn’t have to psychoanalyze. He’s always known that’s how he likes that, it’s not that deep, he just likes that he can have it like this. With Wonjae.

When they finally part, Wonjae gives his hip a squeeze before retreating back to the kitchen. They eat their dinner on the couch on the deck, watching as the sun sets into the ocean and it’s surreal to think that’s it’s going to be rising on the next day back where their friends are. Traveling the world is something he’s used to now, but sometimes it hits him how small he is. Even if he feels small, he doesn’t feel alone though. Not when he has Wonjae’s elbow digging into his side, with their knees knocking together, and the knowledge that if he asked, Wonjae would hug him, touch him, do whatever he wanted.

“Thanks,” Jaebeom says, setting his chopsticks down on his empty plate. “For…having this idea.”

“You’re welcome,” Wonjae says as he leans over and rests his head against Jaebeom’s shoulder. “Sometimes…I think the only way to figure things out is to run away from what feels familiar. It’s why I ran to Japan when you sent me an offer for a contract.”

“You didn’t run away here though,” Jaebeom says.

“I guess…it’s more like we ran away together.” Wonjae grabs Jaebeom’s plate and stacks it on his own before setting it on the coffee table and then curling more into Jaebeom’s side, twining their hands together. “I feel like I’ve learned some stuff about you and about myself that I couldn’t have learned if we were still back home.”

Jaebeom makes a small noise of agreement and looks out at the ocean. “I’m glad I can figure it out with you.”

He pulls Wonjae’s hand up and after a brief moment of hesitation, presses his lips to the back of it. The world has changed a lot since the time he did this in the back hallway of a television studio, but that doesn’t have to be a scary thing. His whole life has been a series of unexpected changes. For those…he was mostly alone.

Now, they’re together. He trusts his friends more than he ever used to. And finally…finally, he’s letting himself have moments like these, moments where touching someone else isn’t a big deal. It’s just something he can have, something he can do.

That’s more than enough for now. 


End file.
